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Deal Breakers (The Male Perspective)
Everyone has their own set of deal breakers when it comes to the opposite sex. In fact, a while back my boy Carl over at FunkyMinds did his “10 First Date Deal Breakers.” While I’ve written about my “Top 10 Turn-Offs” before, I haven’t really delved into those subtle things that can turn a green light into a red one during the early stages of the courting process (let’s say the first three months). I’ve actually been working on this one for a while and had to call in help from some of my male friends. So after my list of personal deal breakers you’ll hear from a few average Joes on what a lady can do to make a man run for the hills. I may not agree with all my homies’ opinions, but, hey, women like to hear how men think right? So without further ago…
CYBER STALKING
I’d like to think it’s universally understood that people need their personal space. This goes for a jump-off or a committed relationship. I learned a long time ago that healthy relationships have to exist on three levels. 1) You have to have a life of your own. 2) Your partner should have his/her life. 3) Y’all have your life together. I don’t care how much you like someone and vice versa, persistently calling, texting, emailing and IMing someone you’ve only known a few weeks can be annoying and a sign that you’re too needy. Just because you’re bored at work doesn’t mean your love interest is. Unless it’s urgent, I’m sure the details of your day can wait ’til after work. Besides, ain’t that what Twitter is for?
AWKWARD QUESTIONS
If a guy isn’t there yet, there are certain questions a woman will ask that that will drive him away faster than halitosis. For example: “Do you miss me?” If it’s early on in the relationship and he hasn’t really mapped out any true feelings for you yet this question is paramount to asking if he loves you. Major awkwardness. What is he supposed to say to that if he does not miss you? Especially, if y’all just saw each other yesterday. That shows a sign of clinginess and when men smell that they tend to back off. Even if he did miss you but doesn’t like you like that, he’s now less likely to say it because he doesn’t wanna lead you on. If a man misses you trust me he’ll say it or show it in his actions by asking you out again right away. But do yourself a favor, ladies, and mute yourself on questions like do you miss me, play it cool and let him say it.
“PAIR” PRESSURE
Patience is a virtue that some people don’t appreciate. I don’t know why we do it, but men like to take things slow. Well, when it comes to commitment at least, as for sex, that’s another story. Taking the physical dynamic out of the equation, it takes time to really get to know someone. People tend to have their “representative” in place until they let their guard down and show their true colors. The last thing a man wants to hear while he’s in this grey area is premature talk of his love being on lockdown. So talk of kids and marriage on dates one through three is a bit much. I’m not saying that views on marriage aren’t part of adult conversations, but if you’re naming our kids and picking out curtains after a couple weeks I’m looking for the exit. Let’s get to know each other better and maybe, I don’t know, start an actual relationship first before we map out our forever ever. You can’t put the carriage before the horse.
That’s just a few of my personal deal breakers, now I’ll turn the floor over to my panel of male advisers. NOTE: Names have been changed to protect the chauvinistic.
THE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) Questionable Sexual History: I fucked around and brought up the subject of promiscuity and STDs at one point in the convo [during a date] and shawty responded, “Aw, everybody got something.”
2) Bebe’s Kids: Another chick, this wasn’t on a date, but during a phone convo chick’s driving and says, “Hey, don’t touch that.” I ask who’s she talking to, she said her son. Five minutes later, she goes, “Didn’t I tell your brother not to touch that?” I’m like, “Damn, you got two kids?” She said, “Nah, I got three.” GOT DAMN! And she was separated (not divorced) from her husband. Click!
3) Door Knockers: Popping up at the crib or job unannounced [is a deal breaker]. If they ready to fuck, then I may not be as upset but, nah don’t make a habit of doing that shit.
4) Nosy Broads: Going through my phone, or touching shit like my wallet and car keys when I’m not around. Self-explanatory.
THE CAVEMAN’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) Underarm hair.
2) Can’t, won’t and refuses to try or at least learn how to cook.
3) Non-head giver.
NWSO: Dude, are serious with this list?
Caveman: It’s true son, tell me those are not deal breakers for you. Plus, it’s deeper than just what it seems like on the surface. The head and cooking tells a lot about the person, it says, “I ain’t trying to do nothing for the sake of you and I never will.” That’s straight selfishness. And underarm hair is just plain ol’ nasty, lol
THE ASPIRING RAPPER’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) A woman that says, “I care more about finances than anything else.”
THE PLAYER’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) A woman asking if I had sex with any of my females friends every time they meet one.
THE FUNNY GUY’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) Chicks double-checking if you’re paying for the date. Deal breakers.
2) Boogers on the first date. Deal breaker.
THE PRETTY BOY’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) When a woman asks how much money you make on the first date.
2) When a woman asks how many women I’ve slept with on a first date.
3) Doesn’t offer to split the bill. Most case I will foot the bill, but an offer from a woman shows a lot.
4) If she’s late.
5) If she is demanding.
6) If she has too much makeup on.
THE O.G.’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) A deal breaker in my book is a chick who never attempts to come outta pocket for a cab, a meal, a movie ticket, etc. I’ll put up the cash for the first say, three dates, but as a gesture, at least ask if you can contribute. Don’t assume/expect anything or I’ll assume you’re a selfish itch-bay.
2) Also, don’t ask me for any of my music before we’ve knocked boots at least 3-5 times. I’m not the iTunes store, so don’t thing think you can sync your iPod to my music library before I’ve decided you’re worthy. It’s just a sign of selfishness to assume that my music is your music (some of which I paid cold hard cash for) without giving me something of equal value in return.
3) Don’t ever come over unannounced. I hate surprises. So don’t think you can just roll up at the doorstep. I won’t let you up. Ever!
4) Don’t act suspicious of my female friends. Trust that I can maintain boundaries, and have confidence that I’m only into you in that “special” way.
Ladies, did you learn anything about the male psyche? Do you feel the fellas and I were on point with our assessments? Were there some deal breakers that you felt were unfair? What are some of your own deal breakers for men when you’re getting to know someone?
Speak your piece…
CYBER STALKING
I’d like to think it’s universally understood that people need their personal space. This goes for a jump-off or a committed relationship. I learned a long time ago that healthy relationships have to exist on three levels. 1) You have to have a life of your own. 2) Your partner should have his/her life. 3) Y’all have your life together. I don’t care how much you like someone and vice versa, persistently calling, texting, emailing and IMing someone you’ve only known a few weeks can be annoying and a sign that you’re too needy. Just because you’re bored at work doesn’t mean your love interest is. Unless it’s urgent, I’m sure the details of your day can wait ’til after work. Besides, ain’t that what Twitter is for?
AWKWARD QUESTIONS
If a guy isn’t there yet, there are certain questions a woman will ask that that will drive him away faster than halitosis. For example: “Do you miss me?” If it’s early on in the relationship and he hasn’t really mapped out any true feelings for you yet this question is paramount to asking if he loves you. Major awkwardness. What is he supposed to say to that if he does not miss you? Especially, if y’all just saw each other yesterday. That shows a sign of clinginess and when men smell that they tend to back off. Even if he did miss you but doesn’t like you like that, he’s now less likely to say it because he doesn’t wanna lead you on. If a man misses you trust me he’ll say it or show it in his actions by asking you out again right away. But do yourself a favor, ladies, and mute yourself on questions like do you miss me, play it cool and let him say it.
“PAIR” PRESSURE
Patience is a virtue that some people don’t appreciate. I don’t know why we do it, but men like to take things slow. Well, when it comes to commitment at least, as for sex, that’s another story. Taking the physical dynamic out of the equation, it takes time to really get to know someone. People tend to have their “representative” in place until they let their guard down and show their true colors. The last thing a man wants to hear while he’s in this grey area is premature talk of his love being on lockdown. So talk of kids and marriage on dates one through three is a bit much. I’m not saying that views on marriage aren’t part of adult conversations, but if you’re naming our kids and picking out curtains after a couple weeks I’m looking for the exit. Let’s get to know each other better and maybe, I don’t know, start an actual relationship first before we map out our forever ever. You can’t put the carriage before the horse.
That’s just a few of my personal deal breakers, now I’ll turn the floor over to my panel of male advisers. NOTE: Names have been changed to protect the chauvinistic.
THE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) Questionable Sexual History: I fucked around and brought up the subject of promiscuity and STDs at one point in the convo [during a date] and shawty responded, “Aw, everybody got something.”
2) Bebe’s Kids: Another chick, this wasn’t on a date, but during a phone convo chick’s driving and says, “Hey, don’t touch that.” I ask who’s she talking to, she said her son. Five minutes later, she goes, “Didn’t I tell your brother not to touch that?” I’m like, “Damn, you got two kids?” She said, “Nah, I got three.” GOT DAMN! And she was separated (not divorced) from her husband. Click!
3) Door Knockers: Popping up at the crib or job unannounced [is a deal breaker]. If they ready to fuck, then I may not be as upset but, nah don’t make a habit of doing that shit.
4) Nosy Broads: Going through my phone, or touching shit like my wallet and car keys when I’m not around. Self-explanatory.
THE CAVEMAN’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) Underarm hair.
2) Can’t, won’t and refuses to try or at least learn how to cook.
3) Non-head giver.
NWSO: Dude, are serious with this list?
Caveman: It’s true son, tell me those are not deal breakers for you. Plus, it’s deeper than just what it seems like on the surface. The head and cooking tells a lot about the person, it says, “I ain’t trying to do nothing for the sake of you and I never will.” That’s straight selfishness. And underarm hair is just plain ol’ nasty, lol
THE ASPIRING RAPPER’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) A woman that says, “I care more about finances than anything else.”
THE PLAYER’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) A woman asking if I had sex with any of my females friends every time they meet one.
THE FUNNY GUY’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) Chicks double-checking if you’re paying for the date. Deal breakers.
2) Boogers on the first date. Deal breaker.
THE PRETTY BOY’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) When a woman asks how much money you make on the first date.
2) When a woman asks how many women I’ve slept with on a first date.
3) Doesn’t offer to split the bill. Most case I will foot the bill, but an offer from a woman shows a lot.
4) If she’s late.
5) If she is demanding.
6) If she has too much makeup on.
THE O.G.’S DEAL BREAKERS
1) A deal breaker in my book is a chick who never attempts to come outta pocket for a cab, a meal, a movie ticket, etc. I’ll put up the cash for the first say, three dates, but as a gesture, at least ask if you can contribute. Don’t assume/expect anything or I’ll assume you’re a selfish itch-bay.
2) Also, don’t ask me for any of my music before we’ve knocked boots at least 3-5 times. I’m not the iTunes store, so don’t thing think you can sync your iPod to my music library before I’ve decided you’re worthy. It’s just a sign of selfishness to assume that my music is your music (some of which I paid cold hard cash for) without giving me something of equal value in return.
3) Don’t ever come over unannounced. I hate surprises. So don’t think you can just roll up at the doorstep. I won’t let you up. Ever!
4) Don’t act suspicious of my female friends. Trust that I can maintain boundaries, and have confidence that I’m only into you in that “special” way.
Ladies, did you learn anything about the male psyche? Do you feel the fellas and I were on point with our assessments? Were there some deal breakers that you felt were unfair? What are some of your own deal breakers for men when you’re getting to know someone?
Speak your piece…
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